Yesterday marked the third year anniversary of the passing of Mitch Hedberg, my favorite stand-up comedian ever. Mitch had his issues: he wasn’t always the cleanest comic (though he was rarely vulgar), and his addictions likely ended his life at 37.

Still, he made me and many others laugh, like few comedians have been able to do. And his two albums (“Strategic Grill Locations” and “Mitch All Together”) are classics that myself and several friends quote constantly.

I recently found a site with a few Mitch jokes which I had not heard. The webmaster also decided to clean them up for his family site.

 So here are a few previously-unheard (for me anyway) gems:

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here’s a drink, Mitch – it’s ice cold. I guess I could lick it.

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I’m in front of a fireplace, I’m hilarious.

I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That’s sad, but then they said, “Lola does not know the meaning of the word ‘can’t’.” That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn’t understand simple contractions. It’s easy, Lola – you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up!

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”

I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant. Because the customer is always right.

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

If you’re a fish, and you want to be a fish stick, you must have very good posture.

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don’t know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. “You might have seen this next comedian at the store,” and people would say “Hell yes I have!”

I don’t like grouper fish. Well, they’re okay. They hang around star fish. Because they’re grouper fish. 

I miss the $2 bill, ’cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

I called the hotel operator and she said, “How can I direct your call?” I said, “Well, you could say ‘Action!’, and I’ll begin to dial. And when I say ‘Goodbye’, then you can yell ‘Cut!’”

I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

I’m an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

That would be cool if the earth’s crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

I’m a hard act to follow, because when I’m done, I take the microphone with me.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!

I read that MTV’s Real World got 40,000 applications. That’s amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, “Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars.” I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, “Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry.”

If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.

I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, “Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don’t fall asleep or I will tip you over!”

 I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.

I like those blow-up beds. “This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!” Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. “Yeah, but you can store this thing.” You can store a bed, too – in the bedroom.

Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it’s cheddar. It’s the only cheese you can bite and miss. “Hey Mitch – does that sandwich have cheese on it?” “Every now and then!”

When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.

I was going to stay overnight at my friend’s house – he said, “you’ll have to sleep on the floor.” Damn gravity! You don’t know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.

Is a hippopotamus just a really cool opotamus?

A lot of people don’t know it, but onions make me sad!

I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away – “Knock knock – Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?”

I got a belt on that’s holding up my pants, and the pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What’s going on here? Who is the real hero?

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they’re really doing is saying, “I can’t knit, get this away from me!”

Finally… here’s the first Hedberg joke I ever heard, several years ago. Still makes me laugh.

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.

A lot of bands have intense names, like “Rigor Mortis” or “Mortuary”. We weren’t that intense, we called ourselves “Injured”. Later on we changed it to “Acapella” when we were walking out of the pawn shop.